Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
every. time.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Had a spot of bother earlier.