*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]