*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
accurate
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Word!
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!