*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
6: are snakes just neck?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
But that’s none of my business
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.