interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 馃槼
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there鈥檚 a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you鈥檙e good
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Maybe I鈥檒l make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I鈥檒l make pancakes for dinner.
I have many caverns
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Some days you鈥檙e on top of the world鈥ther days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you鈥檙e just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Them: Just act casual
Me:
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Accurate
Not wearing glasses anymore. I鈥檝e seen enough
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I鈥檝e reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I鈥檓 about to be murdered
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don鈥檛 like.
[Gets out of bed]
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.