5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You Might Also Like
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.