*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
You Might Also Like
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Woke up with morning Yule Log
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]