Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
why isn’t he texting back
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
this post was so formative to me
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”