@notacroc: Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
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@IamEveryDayPpl: LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
@iGreenMonk: I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
@Fred_Delicious: "Hi yes I'd like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge" "Very good sir" [ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
@hereholddeez: SAW 14: HELLO JIMMY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
@215potter: Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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