Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My good tweets are in my other pants.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Whoa 😂
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.