[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
bury ourselves
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.