[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
This is my emotional support knife.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah