@Brianhopecomedy: Sent an email to my Mom. Now I'm at her place showing her how to open it.
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@fro_vo: Wife: we have to get rid of these ants Me: if u don't look at them they disappear Wife: that's ignorant Me: i know the technical term linda
@InternetHippo: GOD: Peter, you will be heaven’s bouncer ST PETER: What the hell, I don’t want— ST BERNARD (whispering): Shut up or he’ll make you a dog
@ChaseMit: My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
@LanieLalaBugs: I just want a man who'll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?