@Brianhopecomedy: Sent an email to my Mom. Now I'm at her place showing her how to open it.
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@KateWhineHall: Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder. Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
@caliluvgirl77: I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that's one less person I ever have to talk to again.
@baeblacksheep: Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm....
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast." Cop: 'Did you see his plate?" Ian: "Yeah. He was eating tacos."