Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Milk Cube
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos