@Brianhopecomedy: Sent an email to my Mom. Now I'm at her place showing her how to open it.
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@JamieGreenlees: I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
@AntozWolf: Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat
@idigcrazychics: You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF