@Brianhopecomedy: Sent an email to my Mom. Now I'm at her place showing her how to open it.
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@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
@SufficientCharm: TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT'S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
@theDanLawler: A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
@MariyaAlexander: Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos