Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I need to get some bricks…
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I want what they have