Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…