Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
🍛
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again