@thtchicmichelle: Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven't heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he's okay.
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@JosesLovesYou: If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
@BradBroaddus: I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn't appreciate my humor. That's the last time I'll do a eulogy.
@mattyglesias: Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn't use a private email server.