Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn