SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti