Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*