Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside