Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
You Might Also Like
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
? 💀
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.