Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
New menu item
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’