boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.