@KenJennings: SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can't get out of this room
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@clindsaysway: Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
@KyleMcDowell86: *dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache* "Hello sir or ma'am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat"
@torrami: Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
@ArfMeasures: [Prison] ME: Just don't mention anything about breaking free & they won't suspect a thing *guard enters* FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*