Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Hmmmmm
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster