Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
You Might Also Like
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: