Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.