@shariv67: Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they'll clean my house.
@GreGooglyMoogly: So if something's not "unique" then it's just "ique," right?
@_youhadonejob1: Someone waited thief whole life to write that headline.
HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, I'm upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember...
@ericonederful: You know you're high when you take a hilarious shower.