Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
What the hell happened here.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006