Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
What kind of a cult is this?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
There’s only one good girl here!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.