Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets