Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?