Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.