i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
You Might Also Like
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today