Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one