Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.