Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
no
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.