Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home