Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”