HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*gets down on one knee*
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
This makes total sense…
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”