Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…