Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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Ha.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
The French word for sex is croissant.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
All excellent questions
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.