@madmomsdiary: Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@JerseyRambo: I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
@TheTweetOfGod: Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.