BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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United Steaks of America
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Grandmother clock.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?