They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You Might Also Like
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
This pepper has seen some shit
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)