Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
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I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
peep davidson
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist