Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I have a black belt in leather
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?