Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Peace was never an option