Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The three genders
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.