Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Y’all ready for this
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.