Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
You Might Also Like
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.