“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
You Might Also Like
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?