[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
President The Rock Obama
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank