[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.