Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
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Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
That’s what I call a flat tire
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
PARKOUR
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.